Depression is a word we are all afraid of, it can take us to dark places in our lives if it gets out of hand, what counts is what you take of it and how you come out on the other side. Maybe its a far to strong of a word for what I’ve felt these couple of weeks I’ve been going trough a couple of situations that shouldnt been mixed together, both about loosing dear people in my life, emotionally and fisically. Somehow feeling under the weather didn’t cut it.
During this time my Jiujitsu went trough 3 stages:
Stage one. Avoiding the situation and diving in head first into the game. At the beginning of my situation I really couldn’t deal with what was going on out side of the mat, so I rolled, from 4:30 to 7 pm, every day, Monday trough Friday, this kept my mind free of all the negative thoughts and all the things I wasnt prepared to face, I focused as much as I could and only saw the mat.
Stage two. The breaking point. At some point you will have to stop and take a look of the mess around you, acknowledge that there’s a problem that needs to be solved for you to be whole again, unfortunately in my situation nothing was under my control, I was loosing two people I cared for, one a dear friend that passed away and another person who’s decisions or feelings where no longer under my control either. So how do you fix something that is not in your hands, How do you fix the unfixable?
So I cracked, the last two days I tried to go train I couldn’t get past the locker room, flooded in tears. As a girl there was no way in hell I was about to go crumble in the mat, It’s hard for women, nobody wants to lose face or to guys to think of you as a girl.
Stage three. Off the mat. at my lowest point I couldn’t allow my self back in the mat in the emotional status that I was, I needed to take a step back and fix myself before I could do this again, all very intense and all in just a couple off weeks, fortunately my rough patch is in the process off healing, I see things another way now (sort of), And I now feel ready to get back in the mat, I don’t wanna lose more training nor more time off the mat, I just couldn’t bare to see my sensei and for him to ask: Why have you missed training?, What would I say?
Now a little more emotionally stable I walk back into the mat, a little afraid of loosing myself in it again, jiu-jitsu has been very noble to me, it’s giving me a caring gym, partners that care for you and worry if you don’t show up for training, Its given me warmness when I felt lonely and friends when I felt alone.
I’ve shared so much with my readers that I know it would be unfair to not share these moments of my life with you guys. I know several people who go trough this, and let me tell you are not alone, we spend years on and off the mat and sometimes feelings get mixed in and out in the process.
Jiu-jitsu reveals in the mat your true self… that raw character of what you are, why you’re there and what you want to become, and in those couple of weeks… I didn’t want to see who I was.
Have you ever experienced depression? How did this impact your training? We would like to hear from you guys, we are all one in the mat.